Arizona Baseball Moving to Florida to Ensure Future NCAA Tournament Bids (Satire)


June 25, 2012; Omaha, NE, USA; Arizona Wildcats players lift the trophy after defeating the South Carolina Gamecocks in the championship finals game two of the 2012 College World Series at TD Ameritrade Park. Arizona won 4-1. Mandatory Credit: Bruce Thorson-USA TODAY SportsAfter winning the NCAA National Championship last season, the Arizona Wildcat baseball team was left out of the tournament this year despite going 34-21 (last year they were a top 10 program and 38-17, a substantial difference of four whole wins) and winning five of their final six games. Instead of allowing the Wildcats an opportunity to defend their title, the tournament committee instead allowed 9 teams in from the Southeastern Conference (SEC) and 8 teams from the Atlantic Coast Conference (ACC). This includes Florida, who went 29-28 overall, had a losing record in their conference and lost nine of their last eleven games. By comparison, the Pac-12 Conference–which ranked 3rd overall this year in conferences–was given just four bids.

(Despite this being a satirical piece in response to the fact that this whole article should be one big F@$%ing joke, all of the above is unfortunately true).

“That’s easy,” One committee member said while being asked why the tournament selection was as lopsided as 300 pound man on a teeter totter with a gerbil. “One of those teams from the West Coast, somewhere in California I think, won our East Coast tournament last year. Can you imagine how embarrassing that was for our program? So we had to ensure it won’t happen again. In fact, we almost decided not to invite any of those blonde-haired, surfer dude teams out, but then we realized the tournament would really, really suck.”

“Eastside ride or die, motha F@$#@!,” Another committee member responded to the same question while holding his fingers up in the shape of an “E” and moving his head back and forth to the beats of Jay-Z and Notorious B.I.G. on his ipod.

In response to this textbook example of East Coast bias, the Arizona baseball program has made the ingenious decision to move to Florida and into the SEC to ensure they will receive a bid to next year’s tournament, as well as the one after that, and the one after that, and the one after that.

And the one after that.

And the one after that.

“All it really came down to is pure math,” An official from Arizona said. “You can be one of the best teams in the Pac-12 and not make it, or you can be one of the worst teams in an East Coast conference and make it. Especially if you are from Florida. The committee really likes the Gator Chomp, they think the TV ratings will sky rocket if people get to watch that over and over and over again. They also have a weird thing for Urban Meyer and Billy Donovan, which is odd, because Meyer doesn’t even coach there anymore and they aren’t even looking at the right sports….”

The Arizona official stopped talking briefly as he attempted to figure that one out. He couldn’t, and then continued.

“At the end, it all depends on whether you prefer a burger from In-and-Out or Five Guys. In-and-Out’s burgers are way better, but the committee has never even tried Monster Style. They don’t even know what that is. So we are forced to eat a crappier burger instead.”

Due to the three hour time difference between the East and West Coasts, a poll shows that half of the committee and other major East Coast sports analysts did not even know a West Coast existed.

“Yes, I was surprised. I didn’t know that,” a committee member said when he learned that Arizona is a real college baseball team and not a high school.

“That’s why we can’t just move conferences. We have to move states as well,” The Arizona official explained. “They don’t stay up late enough to know that Arizona resides within the United States.”

Not stopping there, the Arizona Wildcats are also looking into changing their mascot name to something more appealing to East Coasters and/or Florida. In the running are the Mayflowers, Ballot Busters, Eastern Timers, Retired People, Taxi Drivers, Bad Drivers, or simply, the Arizona Cuban Missile Crisis.